The Ex - Or How I Was Not Him

He is walking. Aimlessly, lost in thought, as though he were an actor trying to remember his last three words in a play in which he is a protagonist. She is sitting under a tree, and sees him walk by.

She:Hey, what's your name?
He:He.
She:Hey, would you like to be my ex-boyfriend?
He: My name is He, not Hey.
She: Yes, thats what I said. Now, would you like to be my ex-boyfriend?
He: What? That doesn't make any sense,I don't even know you. In fact, I never knew you.
She: Yes, that's exactly the point of an ex-boyfriend. I never knew you either.
He: You're mad! I am sorry, I don't know what it is that you want. I am sorry, I need a grammar lesson: I don't know what you want.

Now, she gets up swiftly, and is slightly angry at him calling her mad, and justifiably, the outrage is only rekindled by the fact that he called her mad when he doesn't even know her in the first place.

She: I don't love you any more. Go to hell.
He: Eh?! I did not mean to come near you, miss. Besides, I think your statement should have been, "I don't love you", not "I don't love you any more". As for going to hell, no thank you, I am just on my way back from hell.

She: Why is it so hard for you to be an ex-boyfriend? I am not asking you to be my boyfriend, not asking you to bring me flowers and lift me up in your arms. I have my dignity and self-respect. So you can keep your holier-than-thou sneer to your own self.

He: It's not merely hard, it's not possible. For me to be your ex-boyfriend, I must have been your boyfriend for some time in the past, and must have also ceased to be your boyfriend before this moment. Either that or I must be dead. And even if I am just back from hell, since I am talking to you now, I am inclined to discount the second possibility.

She: You're trying to beat me at logic? Yes, you are alive, and that's why I called you when I saw you walking. I don't go around asking corpses to be my ex-boyfriends. Get a life. I'm sorry, go die........(as an afterthought) and, please do not try to do the impossibly tough things for me, I don't want to feel indebted to you, even after you become my ex.

He (frustrated): I do not want to become your ex.

She (imploring) : Why do you love me?

He: Excuse me?

She: If you do not want to be my ex-boyfriend, you obviously have a greater interest in continuing this relationship than breaking it.

He: That's bizarre..there is no relationship between us.

She (begins to cry): That's the truth, isn't it? There isn't even a relationship between us now. Okay, fine, as you please. Let's break up....(and goes and sits under the tree)

He: No,...

He was about to speak his last three words, but fate intervened in the form of large size Grade A eggs and juicy tomatoes impacting on his face, forcing him to turn away and retreat a few steps, before the curtains fall rapidly.